Last month, Iraq delivered to the United Nations a 12,000-page report denying it had weapons of mass destruction. Knowing President Bush does not have the attention span to read 12,000 pages, the Iraqis also provided an executive summary written in the style of the president's favorite author, Dr. Seuss. I have obtained a copy of this document from an anonymous source deep inside Vice President Dick Cheney's secret hideout. The complete text follows:

I am Saddam.

Saddam I am.

I am the ruler of Iraq,
The country that you would attack.

You are Bush.
Bush you are.
The fame of you has spread afar.

You do not like me, Bush, I know.
You would not like me in a show.
You would not like me in the snow.
You simply wish that I would go.

You say I used to slaughter Kurds.
You say that I use naughty words.

You say I have an evil stash
Of weapons of destruction (mass),
Of bombs and missiles, germs and gas.

You say I tried to kill your Pop.
Oh, how I wish that you would stop!

I promise you I have no stash
Of weapons of destruction (mass).

I do not have them near or far.
I did not hide them in my car.
I did not hide them in a bar.

I did not hide them in a hole.
I did not hide them up a pole.

I did not hide them in a grave.
I did not hide them in a cave.

I did not hide them in a dish.
I did not hide them in a knish.

I did not hide them in my coat.
I did not hide them in a goat.

I did not hide them in a trunk.
I did not hide them in my bunk.

I did not hide them anywhere.
In short, they simply are not there.

The inspectors came and looked,
And looked, and looked, and looked, and looked.

They looked high and they looked low,
Every place that they could go.

They looked in every hole and crack,
Each drawer and closet, bag and sack.

They found nothing in a trunk-or
Even in my private bunker.

They did not find a single stash
Of weapons of destruction (mass) ...
And STILL you won't get off my a**!

I've done all that I can do.
The rest, dear Bush, is up to you.

Please don't be angry, don't be sore.
We don't need to have a war.

Let's go back to the good old days
When your dad and Reagan sang my praise.

I was your faithful ally then.
Why can't we be friends again?

I say, let's let this whole thing drop.
(My best regards give to your Pop.)